A while back I was kind of going through something and I really did not know how to blog about it. I guess you can say I was a little depressed. I had an overwhelming sadness. I really could not put my finger on it. I tried to explain it to Hubby but I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way.
I have had sometime to think and reflect on it. I think it was a combination of things. The stress of the move catching up with me. I have been trying to come out of my prison shell that I have had for 4 1/2 years. I have really gotten to the point that I don't have confidence in myself that I can't even make a freaking phone call without panicking. I never use to be like this. I was afraid to drive in the city and finally took the chance and was able to drive to the near burbs to shop but I could not drive downtown. I can drive around where I live know and as one of my last posts I drove all the way to freaking Cicero. Part of my inside is still unsure.
Another thing is moving out the city really showing me that I am no longer young. I love the city but it is a young person's place. I guess I have been mourning my youth. I will be turning 34 in August and it hit me I am a Mom. I am an adult. I have never really thought of myself that way. Moving to the suburbs is the next step into buying a house and settling down. We have never owned a place before. I like to think of us as gypsies and that if we wanted to flee we could and have no responsibilites. But now Big Cubby is reaching school age and it is not fair on the kids to pick up and move all the time.
I had been dealing with all these emotions. My relationship with my husband hasn't been all that great. We aren't fighting or anything just kind of coexisting. It seems we never have time to talk just us that there is always an intrusion.
Do you find it hard sometimes to separate yourself between mother and wife? Do you find that you get tired of kids literally hanging on you all day that the last thing you want is for someone else touching you?
I have been really trying to work on this. Maybe this is too much info for this blog but this is what I have been going through the past few weeks. I have been trying to make sense of it. Trying to make time to talk with my husband in the evening after the boys go to bed. Trying to overcome my fears. Trying to figure out where I belong.
Sorry to be so heavy.
4 comments:
Some of that sounds like agoraphobia. I have a friend who developed that in her late twenties and was able to learn how to manage it - it's worth looking into, at least.
My husband and I often coexist, for weeks or months at a time. Just like you said, I am so tired with the kids all day long that the last thing I want is Lance bothering me too. It seems to be cyclical, though, and it gets better before it gets worse. It helps when I'm able to get out without the kids, or the days that Isaac's in school.
Sorry you're feeling blue.
This is definitely the place to unload your feelings. You feel better when you do.
Jeez, C! This is one of the ONLY perks of being a single mom. But then again there is the complete lack of sex sooooo.... Seriously, you are NOT old! You are old when your teeth are falling out and you can't sit on your ass for too long because of painful 'roids. Not happening, sista! You have been an awesome mama, putting your kids very important years ahead of everything. That is special and that is good. This fall you need to explore yourself with the extra time you will have w/ BC in preschool. You're a smart girl you'll find your way.
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